Heather's Thoughts

Hmmm…

Shorty — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:11:56 +0000

I suppose that since my big brother wrote about what was going on with mom on his site that it would be okay for me to also put my thoughts down…
I’m scared… and mad, really angry. I don’t do well when I don’t know the whole situation at hand… I mean I want all the details. I think so that I won’t miss anything. There are no words for the emotional tidal wave that my family and I have taken under. All of us deal with in our own special way.
Dad. He tries to be strong, but I know in my heart of hearts that, that is the farthest from the truth. He must be so scared.
Doug. The realist. “It is what it is.” Better to not get upset about something until you know that you have something to get scared of… I read you entry. No matter what you would like to convince yourself of, I know.
Chris. The rock.
Karma. I think that she understands what is going on but whether it hits her now or later I am not sure. Trying to face this situation through an adults eyes, I cannot imagine for a child’s. After watching her other grandmother, NaNa pass away from cancer. She still talks about her all the time. I cannot fantom… The smile’s that she has and the never-ending hugs I know mean so much around the house for mom.
Mom. Well, mom’s mad and she is a fighter. When she found out and I later found out, I knew something was wrong. Really wrong. She told me initially over the phone. I don’t think that I have ever heard that slight quiver in her voice before and I felt like my heart was crying. She is a lot like Doug in the manner that “what is, is.” When she says these words to me, you look into her eyes and all I want to do is crawl onto her lap like I used to do when I was little, lay my head on her shoulder and cry over the injustice of it. She is the strongest woman that I have ever known besides her mom, my gram.
Me. Trying to be strong, realistic. Trying not to cry.

The time’s are a crazy!

Shorty — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 02:58:21 +0000

I have had the most incredible roller-coaster of emotions in the last week… I found out that my divorce has been finalized. I cannot express how my mind has spiraled out of control… I came to the realization that I am finally free to do, say, and really feel what I have wanted for awhile. It has been a most liberating event in my life…

Mom and Dad

Shorty — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 01:06:41 +0000

So I wrote this awhile back but I just found it again.. going through dads desk… sorry dad! *smile* I love you both! I read this poem to the both of you at one of my darkest hours… you were and always will be beacons of shining light for me!

It’s not just a day for your lover anymore…

It’s not just a day for your lover anymore

With the roses and the chocolates and the silly little cards.

This year it’s for a woman…

Who watched my first step

Heard my first word

Listened to my heartaches and my happiness.

She has helped me realize my hopes and dreams.

She gave me life

She helped me make my own.

Some may call her Sue or Susan

Senorita Nerad.

I called her mama and mommy

Then mom.

She’s incredible!

She’s not all mine, but she fills all my heart,

On this day that is not just for lovers anymore.

And so with this day, there’s always a man.

Who stands by you through thick and thin…

He wiped away my tears

And tickled me until I cried.

Helped me smile and made me laugh…

Even when I really didn’t want to.

Some call him Joe or Joseph

Even Joey… *smile*

I called him daddy

And sometimes I still do.

Now it’s dad.

He’s incredible!

He’s not all mine, but he fills my heart,

On this day that is not just for lovers anymore.

They are my parents, always will be…

I am their dreams and hopes…

All has come full circle, because they both helped me to make mine come true.

My brothers through my eyes…

Shorty — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 00:50:27 +0000

You are strength, You are courage, You are passion.

Everything I admire… to what I aspire.

You are light in a darkened alley

You are truth in a sea of lies

You are fierce in facing the unknown.

Everything I admire… to what I aspire.

When everything seems to shatter

You’re there to brush away the tear

When I laugh so hard… you’re there to make it worse

When I’m so excited, I have to tell someone

You listen without judgement.

(At least until I’m finished… *smile*)

When I lie to myself to make it all seem a little better

You speak the truth to help me realize…

When I think I’m losing my mind… well…

You let me know that I have!

When I think I have gone far enough, you encourage me to go farther.

Where would I be without you?

You have been a pillar of strength when I have felt weak.

You have given me courage, when I felt only fear.

You have encouraged my passions to exceed my own expectations.

I have yelled and hit

Shunned and criticized

Annoyed and so much more…

It’s part of our charm!

I love you both more than I will ever tell you! *smile*

Chris, still looking for a picture of you to put up!

Some guys eyes…

Shorty — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 00:38:31 +0000

Have you ever lain upon the soft blanket, beneath the cool cover?

It casts shadows

Seeming so quiet…

Not really though, it’s the human sounds.

Always present, but not here.

Sweet musical notes…

The whisper of the wind cascading down the stream.

Steady beat

Shivers run through…

Have you ever then… slowly… opened your eyes

Exposing another sense of feeling

Up high

Searching for the warmth?

It radiates

Smokey topaz sprinkles,

Through the mass array of greens.

Moss… Emeralds… Jade…

Mixing and swirling

Through that whisper of wind.

Have you ever?

I have… I do…

Every time I look into your eyes.

Really bored…

Shorty — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 22:28:25 +0000

I really love quotes! There is just something so inspiring in such a short amount of words! So I found some to share….

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.

-Erica Jong, Fear of Flying, 1973

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

-Herm Albright (1876-1944)

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

-Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

It’s choice -not chance- that determines your destiny.

-Jean Nidetch

The more things change, the more they remain… insane.

-Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05.09.04

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear- not absence of fear.

-Mark Twain (1835-1910)

When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been comitted in the name of rebellion.

-C.P. Snow (1905-1980)

The judge is condemed when the criminal is absolved.

-Publilius Syrus (~100 BC) Maxiums

Murder is unique in that it abolishes the party it injures, so taht society has to take the place of the victim and on his behalf demand atonement or grant forgiveness; it is society has a direct interest.

-W.H. Auden (1907-1973)

Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?

-Kelvin Throop III

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.

-J.R.R. Tolkien (1892-1973)

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.

-Czech Proverb

Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all.

-William Goldman, The Princess Bride

I cannot think well of a man who sports with any womans feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.

-Jane Austen (1775-1817), Mansfield Park

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

-Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Music like religion, unconditionally brings in its train all the moral virtues to the heart it enters, even though that heart is not in the least worthy.

-Jean Baptiste Montegut

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.

-Voltaire (1694-1778)

To him that you tell your secret you resign your liberty.

-Anonymous Proverb

The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.

-Saint Jerome (374AD-419AD)

Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.

-Waiter Rant, Waiter Rant Weblog, 11.29.05

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.

-Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121AD-180AD), Meditations 200 AD

Happy New Years! 2008

Shorty — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 03:36:16 +0000

I hope that everyone had a fun, safe, and fantastic new years eve and day! I had so much fun! *smile*

Unfortunatly I started the day by going to work, which could have been much worse than it was! Only one ironic thing happened while I was there. About a week ago I was talking with Joe and we were talking about people letting thier cars run out of gas. He told me a story about his old shop teacher. He was driving down the road one day and on the side of the street was a young beautiful woman. Well he pulled over to ask her if she needed any help, but when she told him that she had run out of gas, he just smiled and said have a good day… It was a lot more funny when Joe told me this story, but I digress. This should have been my first sign to change my errant ways as far as gas in my car is concerned. Later that week my little brother and I were going over to take care of the dogs and cat that I have been watching and I was almost out of gas and he said that I should do something about it… isn’t he the king of obvious? *smile* I knew that I should but I insisted that my car would make it and it did. The way I looked at it, it was 10-15 minutes I could be back home and in bed asleep! I know, I know… lazy. Anyways here come new years eve, and I decided I would leave work a little early so that I could hang out with Karma before I went out. I proceed to get all my stuff together, I wish everyone a happy new years and I get outside and low and behold… my car runs out of gas. *frown* SO frustrating, but the only person that I could be upset with was myself, urgh. So I went back inside, I knew that my friend Vickie was taking her lunch in a little while, so I asked her to take me to the gas station so that I could get gas.. she and I laughed about it thewhole way there! We made it back and I was on my way once again! Yay!!

I got home and Karma and I hung out, we did make overs and watched a movie in my room. It was really relaxing! She was even okay with me going out for the night! I called her later and she actually made it to midnight! When I was her age I always tried to make but never did! I guess I hadn’t figured out that it was the perfevt excuse to stay up late! *smile*

I guess I got back on the road about 5pm. I called Joe to let him know. When I got to his place, we loaded up the car and were on our way!!! It took about 45 minutes to an hour to get there… I think, I am really bad with amounts of time and distances. So we made it into Baltimore and located our hotel, the Tremonts. I highly recommend this place! The room was fantastic! We were up on the 25th floor and it made me realize that it was a good thing that I am not frightened by heights. Anyways, we just sat back and relaxed for a minute, which was so nice because I feel like I haven’t really had time to do that in awhile! We started getting ready about 8:45-9pm and were finally out the door at 9:15pm. We made it to the club at about 10pm on the dot! Which was perfect because the base player from his band, Jay was meeting us there then! He also brought a friend, Cara? I hope that was her name.. I’m really good with faces but not names, so if I got that incorrect, please forgive me.

When Clutch went on you could feel the energy level in the room jump! Every one was having a blast! Joe and I got as close as maybe dared, seeing as how some of the people were getting into the spirit in the pit! I was sttanding in front of him fro awhile, and I felt like there was surround sound going on! So many people were singing along with the band! Joe got really into it as well, which was awsome to see and watch! There was point in time that he had me stand behind him though and looking back I’m glad. One of the guys in the pit fell into us and it was getting a little ruff and rowdy, but as long as everyone was having a good time, that’s all that really matters! They were amazing on stage, Joe had played their stuff for me before, but it was ten times better live! I had such an incredible time, and it was a spectacular feeling spending it with him! *smile* This new years eve and day will definitly go down in my books!

Have you ever…

Shorty — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 19:42:01 +0000

Have you ever been nervous around someone you really liked? I found myself in this very situation the other night. He and I had hung out together before, but for some reason this evening felt different for some reason and I wish that I could figure out why. Then I also wonder if it was all in my head. I found myself tounge-tied, not wanting to say anything… which is unusual for me because I always have something to say about everything. *smile* I think that sometimes it is the anticipation that I should have something to say that is the undoing of me. I think that with friends or people that you would like to be more than just friends, there can be the enjoyment of silences. I suppose that I could go through the thought process that I have thoughts and ideas that no one else has but I don’t always feel the need to contribute. I know that I am not alone in the feeling that a lot of the things that I say are unintelligent. I am not normally shy but I suppose in this instance I was…

???

Shorty — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:19:28 +0000

My hair is tangled between my fingers

My ears have started ringing

My eyes are seeing nothing

Until….

I look up to see yet another night

As it came to hide the sun

My restless dreams are consumed

My thoughts and desires

Run icey sharp through my blood.

It’s a mysterious charm

These thoughts and desires

To meet you

To break time with you

My mind and heart embraced yours

They continue to do so

Claiming your soul unfluttered

For you I would open the curtains of my being

An ever-ending distraction.

The powerless… the most powerless, precise moment

When another night becomes eclipsed by the sun

And anotehr dream becomes consumed

by you.

???

Shorty — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:19:23 +0000